I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
