you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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