I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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