I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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