I think I died a long time ago.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
