i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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