what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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