I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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