Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
