You just made me feel so damn special
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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