Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
