Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
