I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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