You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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