my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
