I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
