my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
