Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
