I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My bed smells like the plague
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
