I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
