My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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