Dual....:-)
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
