Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
