Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
