the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm too high and old for this...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
