i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
