Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
