she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
