I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
