im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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