stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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