Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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