Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
