I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Houston, we have a blender
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
