The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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