He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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