You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
