In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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