she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
