not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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