I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
