She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
