i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
