Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
