probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
