My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
