my vag is so smooth its legendary
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
be right there i have to get my cape
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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