My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
