I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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