Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
