then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
