hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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