whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
