Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
