so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
